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Therapist explains: do THIS to make LONG distance work with AVOIDANT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm36i86_kBc

The speaker (a therapist) lists nine techniques for making a long-distance relationship work with an avoidant partner, stressing that both partners must compromise.

Key points

  • Keep up hobbies, independence, and social/family time; this protects self-regulation while apart and feels familiar and safe to an avoidant, who values independence.
  • Build your self-worth while in the relationship, since that is where triggers surface (anxious-preoccupied feeling unlovable; avoidant fearing commitment). Can be lighter goals too, like saving for a house or new clothes.
  • Agree on a designated time to see each other (e.g. every other weekend if 1-2 hours apart, perhaps every 3 months if different coasts/international), backed by more calls, FaceTime, texts, or gifts.
  • Text daily; most couples talk every day, and it builds more direct, genuine intimacy.
  • Learn how each partner communicates: some dismissive avoidants dislike phone calls, others dislike texts. Prioritize the channel with the least miscommunication.
  • During arguments, know when to take a break and when an issue must be prioritized; pick the medium that works (texting lets you manage tone, calls let you sort it out fast). Partner should let the avoidant come to them rather than poking at the argument.
  • Avoid negativity when meeting, since time together is scarce. Avoidants often say they "just want to be happy" with limited time, but issues still cannot be brushed under the rug, so set a designated time for needed conversations.
  • Do activities and build memories together (hotel, beach); avoidants often dislike photos, so find some shared memory log.
  • Partner: share feelings little by little so the avoidant is not overwhelmed; use prompts ("I miss you... do you miss me as well?") because avoidants often do not realize they miss their partner.
  • Avoidant: if your partner opens up, recognize you likely have those feelings too, just suppressed; try saying "I miss you too" rather than fearing disappointment.

Note: claims are the speaker's clinical assertions; the stated examples are described as composites, not real patients, and no studies are cited.