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You didn't scare them off

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crJTKPiTbEg

When an avoidant runs to someone new instead of fixing things, they are not choosing a better person -- they are choosing distraction over the shame of facing how they hurt you.

Key points

  • Avoidants run from themselves, not from their partner; the new person is not an upgrade, they are an escape from depth and vulnerability.
  • Repairing with someone who loves them requires sitting in shame, owning the hurt caused, and facing parts of themselves they have avoided their whole life.
  • Being deeply seen and loved can feel more terrifying to an avoidant than being alone or starting over with someone new.
  • It is not that they do not care; they do not feel capable of giving the love that is being asked of them, so they shut the door.