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Avoidants Will Come Back On Their Own If You Do THIS

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXlVMz5l-zk

Seiter argues that the single condition that most reliably draws an avoidant ex back is the perception that you are dating or could date someone new. He bases this on an audit of his own success-story interviews.

Key points

  • After about 30 hours auditing 37 long-form success-story interviews, he found roughly 49% mentioned dating others as a factor: 33% had gone on a date with someone else, and 16% said the avoidant was terrified of them dating someone new.
  • Quotes the "free to attach" line that avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable, out of the relationship, and out of contact. Perceived unavailability is the trigger.
  • Why it works. He cites mate choice copying (a mate's value rises when others have chosen them), social proof, indirect validation, and the observer effect (avoidants access desire only when they see someone else desiring you).
  • Direct vs indirect signaling. "Harley A" who broadcasts her glow-up directly reads as performative and pushes the avoidant away. "Harley B" whose glow-up reaches the ex through a mutual friend feels real and undeniable and bypasses the avoidant's defenses.
  • The phantom reclaim reflex / endowment effect: avoidants still feel they should have access to you ("I don't see you as in a relationship") and react when someone else claims you.
  • Ties it to Mary Ainsworth's strange situation experiment: avoidant infants do not protest separation outwardly but their cortisol spikes. As adults: "I don't need you, but you're not allowed to leave me."
  • Caveat: dating others only works if it comes from genuinely letting go, not as a tactic while still obsessing. Performative dating (the "Aaron" who cannot stop thinking of his ex) versus transformational dating (the "Jamie" who went all in).

Reception

  • Strong pushback against the premise; the top comment urges viewers to stop trying to "hack" someone into wanting them and to recognize their own worth.
  • Many note avoidants come back but never stay, looping the push-pull, and that a return reads as hoovering rather than healing.
  • Several object morally to needing to date someone else to win a partner, calling it games or "messed up."
  • Recurring theme: focus on yourself authentically; once healed you may no longer want the avoidant back.
  • A few corroborate it from experience ("he comes back when he fears I've moved on"), and one viewer notes Seiter himself has elsewhere admitted Sarah Michelle's avoidant later broke it off again.