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Why Avoidants Push Love Away

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqED3c0fr64

Seiter argues that avoidants do want love, commitment, and intimacy, but their programming forces them to push it away through "deactivation strategies," leaving them stuck in an endless cycle of sabotage.

Key points

  • The core paradox: an avoidant genuinely wants closeness, but as soon as a relationship triggers their core wound and need for independence, they sabotage it.
  • Two layers shaping avoidants. First is control: avoidants rely on self-regulation instead of co-regulation, managing emotions alone through routines (exercise, meditation, set schedules). Anything that disrupts the routine threatens their stability and can trigger sabotage. He illustrates this with a "Sparky the sick dog" scenario that wrecks the morning routine.
  • The second, deeper layer is childhood wounds: before age 2, caregivers dismissed the child's emotional needs (e.g. "boys don't cry"), praising achievement but withdrawing during vulnerable moments. The child learns to associate vulnerability with rejection or self-disgust.
  • He cites Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's book "Attached" for the term deactivation strategy -- any behavior or thought used to squelch intimacy: reluctance to commit, focusing on a partner's imperfections, longing for an ex, flirting with others, conditional love, withdrawing during good times, seeking impossible futures, avoiding physical closeness.
  • Healing is possible, but he claims attachment styles are "formed, maintained, and reformed in relationships" (per therapist Tara Spears, who audited his no-contact content). The avoidant's preference for solitude is the trap: they are rarely in a relationship long enough to do the work.
  • The most common pairing he sees is avoidant with anxious, which he calls almost always doomed. He cites his own client polls: 87% believe their ex is avoidant, 47% believe they are anxious. Pairing an avoidant with a secure partner creates a "gravity" battle -- either the secure partner models security, or the avoidant pulls them toward insecurity.

Reception

  • Heavily engaged thread; many self-identified avoidants and their ex-partners. Sentiment is split between hope and resignation.
  • Frequent pushback on the "jumping from relationship to relationship" claim: top commenters say true avoidants avoid relationships entirely and prefer solitude, not serial dating.
  • A recurring counter-theme: several commenters insist the behavior described is really narcissism or emotional abuse, and warn against dating avoidants at all unless they are in therapy themselves.
  • Multiple self-identified avoidants affirm healing is possible and describe what helps -- patience, consistency, space, and a calm, emotionally regulated partner.
  • Anxious and secure commenters share exhaustion from avoidant relationships, with some reporting they became anxious only while dating an avoidant.