this is because they still can't handle you directly

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hDMz9BB7g

When an avoidant ex checks in through a mutual friend or family member after a breakup, it is a "sideways entry" because direct contact is too emotionally overwhelming for their nervous system.

Key points

• Confronting you directly would expose them to more emotional intensity than they feel they can handle, so they use a third party as a buffer.
• Sometimes this is about building allies -- getting people on their side rather than yours.
• Other times it is purely self-soothing: they are trying to quiet something inside themselves and this is the only route their nervous system allows.
• It does not mean a direct reach-out is coming; it just means they are looking to regulate, not necessarily reconnect.