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if YOU SAY THIS, it TRIGGERS AVOIDANT to FALL for you

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eftO3oOjZ6c

The speaker offers six things to say to an avoidant partner that supposedly help them recognize they love you and feel that love is safe. She frames the avoidant core wound as a subconscious belief they cannot succeed at relationships, so each phrase reassures them they have the tools and that the relationship is a two-way exchange. Said to work for dismissive and fearful avoidance, both genders.

Key points

  • "You are a good man/woman." Implies they are good at relationships and have what it takes to commit, countering the belief that they will fail.
  • Recall a specific past gesture (e.g. a first-holiday gift you still think about). Acknowledges their effort as valued and remembered, encouraging them to keep showing up romantically.
  • "I appreciate you being honest. It means a lot to me." Said after they share something hard; signals you value closeness over a reactive response.
  • Reframe their self-criticism logically. If they say "I'm not good at relationships," respond "I disagree, you make me feel special, I think you are a great partner." Starting with "I disagree" reads as authentic and logical rather than overwhelming reassurance an avoidant may shut down at.
  • "I can see why you feel that way." Validates their feelings when they open up.
  • "I can appreciate your perspective." Acknowledges the validity of their viewpoint (vs. just their feeling), e.g. in a disagreement about where to buy a house.
  • Underlying claim: avoidants fear always being the one who adjusts; recognizing their investment makes them feel they get something back, building mutual (interdependent) attachment. Compares this to celebrities who engage with fans.

Note: invokes "some research" on investment increasing attachment but cites no specific study; the speaker says she cannot remember it.