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Why Avoidants ALWAYS Seem To Go Back To Anxious Exes

Channel: Chris Seiter
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNwbpH-Yg6I

Seiter explains the recurring cycle in which avoidants leave anxious partners, feel relief, then circle back once the anxious ex stops chasing. He attributes it to two mechanisms and closes with advice for the anxious partner.

Key points

  • The cycle. Avoidant leaves, feels relief; anxious partner panics and chases, which confirms the avoidant's choice; anxious partner eventually gives up and moves on; the avoidant then starts thinking about them, reaches out indirectly (random text, liking an old photo, messaging mutual friends), and if met with warmth the cycle resets.
  • Reason 1: the doomed relationship trapdoor. Avoidants fear engulfment more than loneliness and pick anxious partners on purpose because an anxious partner always wants more, providing a built-in exit and proof that "relationships never work."
  • The avoidant's hidden paradox: they do not want no connection, they want controlled connection on their terms. Too much closeness triggers withdrawal; too much distance triggers re-engagement.
  • Reason 2: the anxious partner reinforces the avoidant's narrative. Played out over four phases: idealized start, avoidant pulls away while anxious panics, avoidant leaves while anxious stays stuck, then avoidant returns for a hit of emotional security before withdrawing again.
  • Compares avoidants to narcissists with a "supply rolodex" (primary, backup, emergency supply); avoidants rotate between connections less intentionally but the anxious ex stays the always-available source of comfort and validation.
  • Advice to the anxious. Uses client "Bianca," who blamed herself for an avoidant's disappearances (framed as internal gaslighting). The reframe: "What if the problem isn't that you're too much, but that he's too little?" How someone treats you reflects their capacity, not your worth. Let go to choose yourself, not as a tactic to get them back.

Reception

  • Very positive and heavily engaged; the top comment thanks Seiter for saying they would have left no matter what you did, and to never blame yourself.
  • Many say avoidants do come back but you should not take them back, since the push-pull repeats unless they do deep work.
  • Common observation that by the time the avoidant returns, the anxious ex has finished grieving and no longer wants them.
  • Strong sentiment equating avoidant behavior with narcissism and selfishness; several share long personal stories of years lost in the cycle.
  • Several frame the resolution as choosing yourself, setting boundaries, and becoming secure rather than waiting for change.