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I Asked 500 Women What Turns Them On (The Answer Shocked Me)

Channel: PsycheDepth
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPrC9JYKLvQ

After being rejected for being "too nice," the speaker says he ran 500 in-person conversations with women over six months and concluded that attraction is triggered by genuine, agenda-free presence and internal self-worth, not by tactics or performed niceness.

Key points

The rejection and the experiment

  • The speaker was rejected after three dates with "You're really nice, and that's the problem... I just don't feel that spark," which he frames as the "consolation prize" given to men who did everything right.
  • He claims existing dating advice is contradictory (be confident but not arrogant, interested but not needy, mysterious but direct), so he decided to ask women directly instead.
  • He says he ran an experiment: six months, 500 in-person conversations, positioned as research with promised anonymity, looking for the specific moment attraction "switched on."

What he claims did NOT create attraction

  • The first ~50 women gave surface answers (confidence, humor, ambition, looks, intelligence), which he calls outcomes, not causes.
  • He claims attraction triggers were never: traditional confidence, clever or impressive lines, displays of status or money, or playing hard to get / being mysterious. He says women called those tactics a turn-off.

What he claims DID create attraction

  • By conversation 127, follow-up questions ("when did you feel it?") revealed sudden shifts with men they'd known platonically for months.
  • He claims the trigger was a quieter, internal confidence: women felt "seen without feeling evaluated" and safe enough to be vulnerable, and vulnerability preceded desire.
  • He frames the key quality as self-containment: a man grounded enough that he needs nothing from her (no validation, approval, or reciprocal attraction).
  • He says his own past niceness read as transactional and approval-seeking, which she could sense; attraction-triggering men were "present without agenda."

The core mechanism he describes

  • He calls it "gravitational pull" / magnetism rooted in self-containment and intrinsic self-worth, which he claims women read as the opposite of neediness.
  • He frames neediness (trying to be interesting, impressive, managing her opinion, seeking approval) as the universal attraction killer that triggers caretaking or avoidance.
  • Distinction he draws: "pursuing" creates pressure; "being" creates space where attraction can grow.
  • Example (woman 406): a man sat still and held space while she vented emotionally, without trying to fix it or change the subject; she reported sudden, surprising desire from that presence.
  • His claimed conclusion: attraction comes from psychological/emotional states, not tactics; "the trying itself is the problem."

His claimed personal outcome

  • He says he spent three months practicing presence, comfort with silence and emotion, and generating internal validation instead of seeking it.
  • He reports immediate results: effortless conversations, women initiating, natural tension, and attracting more grounded, secure women.
  • The woman who rejected him later asked him to coffee; he says he declined, having moved past needing her validation.
  • His takeaway: you cannot fake non-neediness or perform self-containment ("the trying gives you away"); the real work is building genuine, self-determined worth so attraction becomes a byproduct of who you are, not something chased.

Reception

  • Very high engagement (640 comments). Dominant sentiment endorses the "don't need her / invest in yourself" message: top comments urge focusing on your own goals and mission and letting women come or go.
  • The most upvoted reactions are quips ("Women understand women, and they hate each other" - Al Bundy) and the bank-credit analogy: attraction goes to the man who needs it least.
  • A major critique targets the premise of the experiment itself: that asking women directly is a trap because they lie without knowing it, and you should observe behavior, not ask. ("You don't ask a fish for advice on fishing.")
  • A strong undercurrent reads the conclusion fatalistically: if the secret is genuinely not needing anyone, several say they have ended up happily (or resignedly) single, with some questioning whether it can even be taught.
  • Some dismiss the video as AI slop and ask YouTube to label it; a couple of others reduce it to "just be yourself," advice they say is decades old.