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Never restore a woman: don't take her back

Channel: Orion Taraban
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrAYeKTHJ3M

Dr. Orion Taraban argues that if a woman ended the relationship and later comes back, you should never restore her to her old level of commitment - at most a casual arrangement, and with two types of ex, nothing at all.

Key points

  • Your ex is an ex for a reason, and those reasons - especially personality differences - rarely resolve in the interim. People do not change deeply that quickly, so the same issues will resurface.
  • He is not saying never re-engage; he is saying the terms must change. If she left as a wife or girlfriend, she can never return to that status. By breaking the relationship agreement of her own free will, she showed a lack of loyalty and permanently compromised the trust needed for a committed relationship.
  • Trust scales with relationship type. Different structures need different levels of trust; the more intimate the bond, the more trust it requires. Since you cannot trust someone who ended things, the only structure to consider is casual/friends-with-benefits - assuming you are not chasing her.
  • Returning woman is "not an applicant, she's a supplicant." People can return through correction, but the old position literally no longer exists because you have changed (Heraclitus: you can't step in the same river twice). More elapsed time means a bigger mismatch between the old structure and the new moment.
  • What you are really chasing is a feeling you once had, and feelings don't work that way - like revisiting an old hangout, you get nostalgia at best, discord at worst. You won't recover the feeling even if you get back together.
  • Two exes you can't even keep casual:
  • The aggressive or unhinged ex - a track record of physical violence or relational aggression (stalking, spreading rumors) means she's dangerous. Even a failed attempt to hurt you counts: "you don't give someone another chance to shoot you just because they missed the first time." If you can't have self-respect, have self-preservation.
  • The ex you're still in love with - you can't hold the casual framework and will end up restoring her, reinforcing instability and mistrust. These are the very exes men most want back.
  • Bottom line: if she comes back, it's usually because it didn't work out with someone else or she couldn't find better - "a woman who behaves like that ain't wifey." Let bygones be bygones, learn the lessons, release resentment, and move on.

Reception

  • Overwhelmingly agreeing, almost a chorus; the room treats "never take her back" as settled wisdom and piles on with variations. Top comment (2.2k likes): "Took an ex back after 18 years thinking time changed her. It did. She got worse."
  • Dominant refrain that people don't improve - "People do change. They get worse"; "If you take her back, she'll think consequences don't apply to her."
  • Heavy use of aphorisms and analogies: going back to an ex is like eating your own vomit / going through the trash you took to the curb; "I don't pay for the same real estate twice"; taking her back is like accepting your employer's counter-offer after you already quit.
  • Many personal confessionals - men who took an ex back and wasted 4-6 more years, plus a contrarian who took his ex back on strictly-casual terms and stayed 22 years until she died ("our relationship was based on sex").
  • Warnings to not even go casual: risk of unwanted pregnancy, STDs, false abuse accusations, and narcissistic "hoovering."
  • Meta-thread anticipating that rival creator "Dr. Ana" will be triggered by the title/thumbnail, with some accusing her of feuding with Taraban for views.