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Why Avoidant Gives You Hope, Then Pulls Away Again

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcS5Q3gOy_c

Anber (a practicing therapist) explains why an avoidant partner gets close and gives you hope, then pulls away: it is their internal fear-versus-love negotiation showing up externally, usually not a sign the relationship is failing. Covers the causes and what to do.

Key points

Why it happens (the pull-away is their process, not usually your fault)

  • They are slowly getting comfortable, and because they are closer and more vulnerable, you now see their internal back-and-forth in real time. They may not even realize it. Most avoidants go through this even after they marry or fall in love with you.
  • Underneath the trauma there is a real version of them that loves you; what you are watching is an inward negotiation over how they can keep their long-built protections (fears) without losing you. Dismissive avoidants mostly fear loss of autonomy / being controlled; fearful avoidants carry those plus fear of betrayal, hurt, and more.
  • They are overwhelmed by their feelings for you (more common when unhealed). The love/connection feeling is so strong they revert to childhood training: a dismissive avoidant flattens the emotion (looks bland, so you think they dislike you); a fearful avoidant reads heavy emotion as "something bad is coming" and shuts down or literally leaves the room. The behavior proves there was a feeling - if they did not care, there would be no reaction.
  • You may be seeing them react to outside stressors you did not notice before (e.g. a stressful Friday work meeting). Avoidants can be one-track-minded under stress; they lean into hobbies/distraction and avoid you because you add more feelings to an already-full plate. Once the stressor passes, they are fine again. This one is not about you.
  • Sometimes you are asking for more than they are ready for, so they pull away to process (they may well come back and agree). Their default way to process emotion is to withdraw.
  • Sometimes they simply revert to their long-single default state - many have been single for years - and do not realize it reads as not caring.

What to do

  • Take inventory of possible external stressors in their life, and of triggers on both sides (yours can trigger them and vice versa).
  • Wait a bit and see if they return: rough timelines - a stressor, give it a week; grief, a month or two.
  • If the withdrawal comes with a temper / raised voice, do NOT wait it out. Set a boundary immediately: "I understand you're stressed, but don't raise your voice at me. I'll give you space, but we talk to each other respectfully." Anber does not advise staying in a situation without setting that boundary (not the same as saying break up).
  • If it is just reverting to default (no stress, no anger), bring it up sooner and gently ask for a concrete compromise (a weekend routine, more frequent texts, meeting in the middle).
  • Have the actual conversation - softly, not angrily. If you never say anything they assume it is fine, because for years it was; most avoidants have simply avoided relationships and no one has told them. Raising it builds their awareness of their attachment issues.
  • "Prep" before any criticism: avoidants react badly to criticism delivered cold, so seed low-stakes noticing-conversations throughout the relationship ("I noticed you've been distant since the talk with your boss - it's because I care - what can we do to meet in the middle? Let me know if I'm wrong"). Framing it as an observation plus a question, not a diagnosis, lands softer and builds subconscious awareness. Anber notes she plans a separate video on how to tell a partner they have attachment issues.

Reception

  • Warm, loyal audience; many report the videos directly improving their relationships or self-understanding. One self-identified avoidant thanked Anber, saying her videos have "saved me many a times from an avoidant breakup."
  • The video prompted real deliberation about staying vs leaving. A top comment from someone who walked away ("I felt drained even when I saw the progress... Have I made a mistake?") drew supportive replies: "You've done something that shows you have respect for yourself. There is no way that can be a mistake."
  • Notable pushback reframes the behavior as harm, not just fear: a highly-liked comment argues avoidants pull back to avoid escalating (especially in FWB situations) so they can return to "this is not serious...see?" and calls it "not love, this is manipulation." Others disagreed - "I don't think it's deliberately cruel, they're protecting themselves and telling themselves a story."
  • Several commenters recount long, painful patterns of an avoidant who vanishes for weeks/months then resurfaces with a breezy "Hope you're doing well!" as if nothing happened; a recurring thread is empaths realizing they made the avoidant too comfortable and are now setting first-ever boundaries.
  • One wry line captured the skeptics: "'Have a conversation with someone who treats every conversation like an attack'... yeah that definitely won't backfire."
  • Note: several "a spiritual counselor/adviser brought my ex back" replies (Master Zorath, Father Ife Odum) are scam/spam threads, not genuine viewer response.