Why Dismissive Avoidants Fall EXCLUSIVELY For People Who Do THIS (It's Not Who You Think)

Channel: Philosophy Wisdom
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq6Y1j_SZTw

Uses Carl Jung's concept of the "shadow" to argue that people who chase dismissive avoidants are mirroring their own self-abandonment, and that doing inner work is what actually attracts avoidants.

Key points

• The shadow (Jung). Traits we were taught are unacceptable get repressed into the subconscious; what we repress, we project onto or seek out in others.
• Shadow attraction. Example client "Julie" learned assertiveness was unsafe as a child, suppressed it, and became drawn to assertive, emotionally unavailable people who embodied the trait she had buried -- attraction to a mirror, not to what is good for her.
• Chronic chasers of avoidants are said to be in an avoidant relationship with themselves: ignoring their own needs, prioritizing others, downplaying their pain, and attracting partners who reflect that back.
• This is not framed as the chaser's fault for the other person's avoidance, but as something they can shift through internal work.
• Trait integration. Reclaim suppressed traits (anger, boundaries, desires, assertiveness) by practicing them safely; this makes you less reactive, less needy, and a source of emotional safety for yourself.
• Practical steps: build awareness of how you self-abandon, integrate suppressed traits, communicate needs clearly (avoidants struggle with unspoken emotional cues), and notice that the people you attract reflect your relationship with yourself.
• Central claim: avoidants are drawn not to people who chase, cling, or collapse, but to those who hold their truth and respect themselves; the more willing you are to lose someone who cannot show up, the more likely they are to.
• Extends beyond romance to friendships, family, and work: people treat us as we treat ourselves.

Note: The video invokes Jungian psychology but cites no studies; the "Julie" anecdote is presented as the speaker's own client.