this MAKES AVOIDANT finally INITIATE and TAKE LEAD

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVl3UYbW49k

The speaker, a therapist, explains why avoidants (especially dismissive avoidants) struggle to take initiative, then offers six things a partner can do to make initiating feel safer.

Key points

Why avoidants don't initiate

• After a breakup or conflict they assume the decision is final and unreversible, so they suffer alone rather than reach out; this is why waiting for them to make contact can take a very long time.
• They prioritize covering up emotions over using them, and initiating (asking for a date, etc.) requires accessing emotions they are not used to surfacing.
• They fear vulnerability; chasing a partner feels exposing, and many were taught (often by parents) that visible wanting shows weakness and that you should respond to rejection by going independent.
• They may fear constant expectations or being taken advantage of emotionally, and are simply comfortable with solitude.
• Their core fear is not rejection but failure: that you will not like how they initiated and ask them to "try again, do it better," echoing parents for whom nothing was ever good enough (a B+ should have been an A).

What the partner can do

• Reduce criticism so a less-than-perfect date does not feel like a risk.
• Offer praise; if something is off (e.g. the lighting), frame it gently and still acknowledge the effort and care behind the choice.
• Provide space when they withdraw (give an hour or two to decompress) and invite them to ask for it directly.
• Practice patience; behavior change takes time and some avoidants take years to initiate consistently, but they get there.
• Encourage communication by affirming openness and clarifying rather than assuming.
• Be clear about what you expect (e.g. schedule a date every two weeks), then let them take the wheel, since avoidants want to show they can do it.