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What Avoidants ACTUALLY Go Through During NO CONTACT (My Surprising Discoveries)

Channel: Hearts and Logic
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8nFx1CTSWo

The speaker describes the internal psychological journey an avoidant person is said to go through during no contact, arguing they suppress strong feelings rather than feeling nothing.

Key points

  • Premise: avoidants leave not because they feel nothing but because they feel too much and do not know how to handle it (compared to holding a too-hot coffee until throwing it away).
  • Stage 1, relief (days 1-14): relief from felt emotional suffocation, with self-justifying stories ("I'm better off alone"); a nagging buried sense of missing you is suppressed.
  • Stage 2, distraction (days 15-60): throwing themselves into social media, friends, work, or new dating to drown out feelings; cited as attachment-system "deactivation," compared to holding a beach ball underwater.
  • Stage 3, reality check (days 60+): distractions stop working, freedom feels like loneliness, and they start processing the loss and specific memories no longer clouded by relationship anxiety.
  • Describes an ongoing internal war between the attachment system (reach out) and protective mechanisms (danger), producing near-reach-outs: typing and deleting messages, driving by, asking mutual friends.
  • Core fear is framed not as fear of love or commitment but of losing oneself, autonomy, and identity in love, traced to inconsistent or conditional childhood love.
  • Claims avoidants often miss partners more intensely than other styles but hide it, locking feelings in a mental "do not open" drawer; cites studies showing higher cortisol during relationship stress.
  • Social media paradox: constant happy posting or total silence are both read as signs they are struggling.
  • Reconnection is possible but must come from their own growth and recognition of their patterns.
  • Closing: understanding this is about getting yourself back, not getting them back; their behavior reflects their struggle, not your worth; focus on your own healing rather than waiting.

Note: references "research" and "studies" on attachment deactivation and cortisol in general terms without specific citations.