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They want you...then disappear

Channel: Mack Herman
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stf4cx0XknE

Avoidants crave a secure partner but sabotage the relationship the moment they actually get one, because calm feels like boredom and stability feels like suffocation to a nervous system wired for chaos.

Key points

  • When a secure partner shows up with clarity and consistency, avoidants experience it as too much; when the partner pulls back, they call them cold and distant.
  • They mistake stability for boredom and respond by getting defensive, critical, or fault-finding -- poking holes in the connection to regain a sense of control.
  • The partner did nothing wrong; their consistency simply exposed the avoidant's inconsistency.
  • Being "too healthy" for someone who is not ready to heal is not the partner's burden to carry.