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how AVOIDANTS get ready to COMMIT

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unMZO3v2EBg

A therapist's observations on the signs that an avoidant partner is heading toward a proposal or marriage, split into a genuine version and a pressured, non-genuine version (the latter more common with fearful avoidance).

Key points

  • Genuine commitment usually follows a period of little to no pressure; the speaker says she has never seen an avoidant genuinely want marriage when the partner was pressuring them.

Signs of genuine readiness

  • Takes the partner ring shopping or asks about jewelry taste (unusually obvious for an avoidant).
  • Starts saving money aggressively, often wanting to pay for the ring or wedding themselves out of independence; if planning marriage, it is because they intend never to divorce.
  • Quietly asks the partner's friends about jewelry and fashion preferences; also a sign of healing and feeling close to the partner's circle.
  • No longer feels triggered by or argues about marriage; partners often say they sensed it was coming.
  • Talks openly (in a plain, direct way, not romantic) about the long-term future, casually assuming the partner is in it (e.g. plans years out).
  • Shifts to a more positive view of marriage; avoidant women often start very negative (fears of becoming a "servant", losing identity by taking his last name) and soften. Avoidant men show this less, as they tend to be okay discussing marriage in general but in denial about themselves.

Signs of non-genuine / pressured commitment

  • Talks about all the sacrifices marriage requires (e.g. selling guitars or collectible cards); will go through with it physically but is checked out emotionally.
  • Starts saying yes to everything just to avoid arguing, even on small things like accepting food they do not want; signals giving up.
  • Spends heavy time on hobbies they fear losing after marriage, doing the very things they expect to give up.
  • Talks about marriage as something expected rather than wanted (e.g. "I guess I'll get married", "I might as well").
  • Rushes into engagement talk after partner manipulation (often anxious-preoccupied withholding or guilt); the speaker says this often precedes cold feet, an exit, or affairs.
  • Appears anxious about marriage rather than calm or detached, like dreading an uncomfortable meeting; a sign they are not invested.