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THIS means AVOIDANT is becoming more SECURE

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzShxbsU9VY

The speaker (a therapist) lists behavioral signs that an avoidant partner is healing toward secure attachment, framed as patterns she sees in her practice.

Key points

  • Change is not linear; gauge progress by comparing the relationship year over year (e.g. June 2024 vs 2023 vs 2022) rather than day to day. Anxious partners find this harder to see because they fixate on abandonment.
  • Less rigid: less stubborn, more open to a partner's opinions, less need for things to go their way. Avoidants guard their time and space; flexing on that (e.g. accepting a partner's unpredictable schedule) shows they are integrating the partner into their life.
  • More willingness to compromise: accommodating a partner's requests signals trust and an emotional connection they would rather keep than lose.
  • More comfort with affection: cuddling, casual touch, intimacy, and eventually public displays of affection. Avoidants often avoid PDA out of embarrassment or fear of judgment, not to hide the partner.
  • Open communication: willing to express feelings and hear the partner out on difficult topics. Considered near-essential for becoming secure, though they need not engage every argument.
  • Awareness of their attachment issues: recognizing and owning past behavior (without needing to use labels like "dismissive" or "fearful") and wanting to change and connect more deeply.
  • Talking things out instead of shutting down: willing to hear and process with the partner even when they would rather end the conversation.
  • Old triggers become less triggering: e.g. questions about income (a common avoidant trigger, more so for men, tied to feeling measured and not good enough) provoke less of a reaction.
  • Apologizing: apologizing from genuine reflection signals they no longer feel that admitting a mistake means they are not good enough.
  • Honesty: telling the truth even when it may upset the partner, rather than saying what the partner wants to hear. Fearful avoidants are said to struggle with this more than dismissive avoidants.