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How Avoidants Act When They KNOW They Hurt You

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viG3mHhOU-s

A therapist explains that when an avoidant knows they've hurt you, guilt and embarrassment often drive cold, confusing behavior rather than a clean apology - and she splits the response patterns into unhealed vs. more-healed avoidants so partners stop misreading the signals.

Key points

  • Framing: the host is a practicing therapist and psychology doctoral student. She notes a common trap - the avoidant is actually the one who should apologize, but the partner over-apologizes for something the avoidant did, which deepens the avoidant's guilt and pushes them further into shutdown. The advice targets people who are married to or deeply invested in an avoidant, not those who can simply leave.

  • Unhealed avoidant - guilt behaviors and how to respond:

  • Avoid the topic and get irritated when it's raised - not because they don't care but because they're hurt/embarrassed. Suggested response: acknowledge they don't want to talk about it, then prompt improvement ("I just hope we can see improvement on both sides"). Give space; they often resolve it inwardly. If no improvement after a while, challenge them and bring it up.
  • Downplay what happened (distinct from denying it happened, which she flags as possible personality disorder). Analogy: like an adult cringing at something embarrassing they did as a kid - they know it was wrong but don't want to dwell because that version isn't "them" anymore. Give time, then raise it if unresolved.
  • Make excuses ("I had a long day at work") that also stem from embarrassment. Response: acknowledge the excuse but still restate your point ("I hear you're stressed, I still want you to be mindful").
  • Make quick promises to change that get broken (fearful avoidants especially, also dismissive) - a sign of lots of remaining healing, but there was genuine willingness. Call them out gently later; if they say it's too much pressure, back off and revisit in weeks/months, since that reaction often hides a wish to improve.
  • Try to change your version of reality - a form of gaslighting driven by embarrassment (more common in fearful avoidants, often with trauma/personality disorders). Do not bend: calmly restate "that's not what I recall, I remember A, B, C." Strong cases need real therapy, not a video.

  • Break up with you to manage overwhelming guilt - but "they're going to come back." When they return, don't reopen the issue immediately; build rapport first, then raise it.

  • Healed (or more-healed) avoidant behaviors:

  • Actually apologize but don't over-apologize - brief ("I'm sorry, let's move on") and sincere.
  • Explain what happened to add clarification, not to excuse (e.g. admitting they raised their voice, feel bad, are working on anger, and note a rough talk with their boss that morning) - the clarification is meant to reassure you it wasn't about you.
  • Make visible effort to change, sometimes very quickly.

  • Ask for recognition of their improvement - most common behavior across avoidants; she advises giving it, as it helps them feel better.

  • Recurring theme: much avoidant behavior after hurting you is embarrassment/guilt seeking space, so give a chance to improve but set boundaries and escalate (raise it, call it out) when improvement doesn't come.

Reception

  • Comments skew grateful and engaged, with viewers reporting real progress applying her scripts - one detailed comment said calling out an avoidant's "overly polite teenage check-in" texts made him open up, and thanked her for "humanizing avoidants."
  • Strong resonance with the "downplaying" pattern: the top comment describes an avoidant insisting "it was a while ago / I've changed / I'm a different person now" while nothing actually changes, plus repeated ghosting whenever feelings are raised.
  • A vocal minority pushes back that this reads as selfishness or worse - a highly-liked comment calls avoidants "solipsistic" for only caring how bad they feel, and several suggest the behavior is closer to narcissism/gaslighting than attachment.
  • Many long confessional comments about breakups, limerence, and no contact; a common request was a follow-up on how to gently raise attachment style with a partner, and how to keep the dynamic from turning parent-child.
  • The creator (Anber) replies warmly throughout and pins her consulting/therapy details; a couple of commenters note she is the same person as the related channel and appreciate the practical, direct tone.