Skip to content

Why men get married: it's not about you

Channel: Orion Taraban
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQRPkxJbPVk

The speaker's core claim, addressed to women: men marry when their own life "is working" (career and stability secured) and when the woman is unproblematic, not when the perfect woman arrives, so timing and not creating problems matter more than being perfect.

Key points

  • Framed from consultations: every consultation with women is reportedly on one topic, "how do I get married," and women do not appreciate that men approach marriage differently.
  • Men do not marry their ideal woman the way movies suggest; in most cases a man marries a woman who is "good enough, when everything is working."
  • For a man, starting a family is an enormous responsibility he will avoid when financially insecure, career-uncertain, or not yet established, and also when the woman threatens to leave, is volatile, nags, criticizes, or otherwise creates problems.
  • Being the perfect woman matters less than choosing the right moment; being perfect matters less than being unproblematic.
  • A man short of the status or success he wants resists starting a family because a wife and children consume time, energy, and attention he would otherwise spend on his own development. "It's not about you, it's about his moment in life."
  • Practical advice to women who want to marry sooner: target men who are already stable, financially successful, and have status, which generally means older men.
  • Cites Pride and Prejudice ("a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife") and argues it does not run the other way, because a wife consumes the fortune and the time/energy needed to build more.
  • High cost of living in cities like New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles raises the material threshold at which men feel ready, pushing marriage later.
  • Claim: women earning to "hedge their bets" make marriage less likely, by competing with men for the same money and because a man will not want to sign his hard-earned money over to "a woman with two good years of fertility left."
  • The part women control: men marry when the relationship is working. A man imagines every problem she introduces (demands, ultimatums, jealousy, criticism, emotionality, sexlessness) extending into the indefinite future, which scares him off. To get married a woman need not be hot, charming, or accomplished, only unproblematic.

Reception

  • Strong agreement with the "men want peace, not problems" thesis; the top comments echo it almost verbatim and add "a man must first decide where he's going before deciding who goes with him."
  • A widely-liked job analogy: a woman already problematic before marriage is like a candidate who is lazy and disrespectful during the interview, and several warn women hold off on introducing problems until after the wedding.
  • Notable dissent came from women and married commenters: some recount marrying a man before he was financially set and building a happy decades-long marriage, and one (married 17 years) argues reciprocity matters and men are equally guilty of jealousy, ultimatums, and criticism.
  • A pointed pushback: men who demand "no drama" are often the source of it, and "unproblematic" should not mean smiling through unacceptable behavior to keep his peace.
  • Strong anti-marriage current: many vow never to marry, calling it benefit-free for men and a financial/legal risk; one attorney warns no prenup is truly iron-clad with enough money at stake.
  • A few defend marriage emphatically, calling cynical commenters "perpetual losers" and describing marriage as one of the greatest gifts of their life.