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THIS is the person AVOIDANTS VALUE and LOVE

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhhxdCDduMc

The speaker, a therapist, claims avoidants perceive value in tangible, logical ways, and offers four partner behaviors that make an avoidant value and commit to you more.

Key points

  • Premise: everyone perceives "value" through a lens shaped by childhood; attachment style is a proxy for what someone values. Avoidants are more "tangible" and particular than other styles, so you must add value in obvious, concrete ways. Avoidants try to change for and keep people they value.
  • Make decisions without always explaining your reasoning (aimed at anxious/fearful-leaning partners). Trust your own judgment some of the time rather than always checking with or copying your partner. Example: making a financial/stock decision you believe in without justifying it. This adds new perspectives to the relationship, and the avoidant respects you more and sees you as adding something tangible.
  • Express appreciation out loud for what they do. Even if they are not an ideal partner, naming the small things reinforces them to keep doing them, and signals you are appreciative, open, respectful, and non-judgmental. Avoidants want to feel appreciated again, so they do more of what earns it.
  • Tell them explicitly what you want them to say or do (for strong-rapport, long-term relationships). Example: after an argument with a friend, instead of leaving them guessing, say "I want comfort, not solutions; tell me whether I have the right to be upset." Avoidants struggle to read emotional cues (framed as upbringing, not neurological) and respect clear, easygoing, logical instructions; this shows flexibility and helps the relationship progress visibly toward commitment.
  • Connect through genuine interests, not gossip or trauma (more relevant to dating/early stages). Bonding over shared trauma is not real depth; share who you are beneath it (hobbies, small preferences like liking lilac, thrift shopping, baseball). Avoidants find trauma/gossip connection off-putting and prefer building shared memories over genuine interests.