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When An Avoidant Disrespects You, Do THIS To Regain Yourself

Channel: Guided Awareness
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNVR5zWfl2A

Host Anber Haq (therapist, doctoral psychology student, and self-described former avoidant) argues that the way to regain self-respect after an avoidant disrespects you is not silent treatment or cutting them off, but modeling accountability and change yourself - because for avoidants, respect and love are tightly linked, and they will mimic what you model.

Key points

  • Common trap: people who were never taught boundaries respond to disrespect with extreme, black-and-white measures (silent treatment, cutting off). An avoidant does not read this as respect; they read it as confusing attention-seeking, and the couple ends up in a back-and-forth cycle. Avoidants often disrespect without realizing it because blunt/direct talk is how they were raised.
  • Core premise: for avoidants, respect and love sit very close together. Modeling self-respect makes their feelings for you grow.

Concrete practices to regain yourself:

  • Communicate your own mistakes directly and actively work on them. Named as the hardest one. Taking easy, non-defensive accountability shows self-worth and plants the idea that change is normal and positive, not triggering or an accusation of being flawed. The host frames this from her own former-avoidant experience: being told to change once felt like "you don't like me, so I'm a flaw," and seeing a partner take change lightly reframed it. Example: "I know I give you the silent treatment when I'm mad; I realize it's because I over-invest and get frustrated, so I'm going to step back and focus on my hobbies - I'll still text you and be there." This states a mistake, a reason, and a solution without becoming resentful, and prompts the avoidant to re-invest.
  • Put effort into changing the wider dynamic on your end, not just the one named thing - lean into hobbies, friends, new skills. As you change, the avoidant registers what you were quietly contributing (cooking meals, always on time while they showed up late) and starts thinking they should take responsibility too.
  • Speak your own opinions instead of bending to theirs. If you hide (the "Jason copies Lucy" example), the partner is only talking to themselves and cannot connect to or respect a person who is not present. Works either direction, regardless of gender.
  • When they say something they dislike about you, respond emotionally regulated and with accountability, not counter-attack. Instead of "no, YOU'RE too much," say "I appreciate that perspective - can you give examples so I can adjust?" It is hard to respect someone who is always defensive.
  • Lean into things outside the relationship - hobbies, friends, volunteering, new jobs. Many who struggle with this do not like themselves or feel they do not deserve the time to enjoy life; building a life you like restores self-respect.
  • Communicate more directly. "I don't like that, I like this." "I appreciate that you did this; next time could we do A, B, C." People avoid directness because a "no" feels like rejection/embarrassment, so they go quiet for days instead - but if you do not say what you want, no one knows it.
  • Stop over-explaining / "bidding." Rather than narrating your feelings while indirectly nudging the partner ("I feel like you don't care so I'll take space; you're just playing cards anyway"), say the plain thing: "I'm going to the park, you can come." If you catch yourself over-explaining, ask why - fear they will be mad, wanting to nudge them, or feeling you do not deserve the thing - and dial it back to just the feeling, the real want, and the outcome. If you do not mean it, do not say it.

Reception

  • Small comment section (38 comments), warm and appreciative overall; several thank the host by name (Anber) and value that she speaks as a recovered avoidant.
  • The single highest-liked comment, from a self-identified nearly-60 avoidant, strongly endorsed the "bidding" point and shared a long story of briefly, non-defensively stating needs to an avoidant partner; its takeaway that resonated: focus on your own healing and dignity, do not try to change them, and never use "persuasive arguments" that blame a partner for your emotional state - guilt/shame is not persuasive.
  • Avoidant commenters confirmed the video's dynamics: sensitivity to criticism, a reflexive "there's nothing wrong with me" defense to offers of "help," and rigidity as self-protection.
  • Some shared painful cases of avoidant partners who would not commit or grow; one drew a harder line ("I just throw them away when disrespect enters the chat"). A minority pushed back on the accountability framing: one said they had made no mistakes to own and it is the avoidant who must be held accountable for behavior driven by fear.
  • Recurring requests for follow-up videos (breadcrumbing, inconsistent contact, "when a DA never comes back," helping an avoidant with a project); a few off-topic or flattering comments about the host's appearance.